NYC AIDS WALK 2010

Greetings Internet Explorers,

I hope this message finds you well; and that this shiny, new decade has thus far blessed you with the same peace, prosperity, and love of which it is currently unfolding in front of me. In May of last year, I did something which changed my life forever; I participated in AIDS Walk New York 2009. With your help, I was able to raise over $1400 for the cause. For that, I am forever grateful. I hold this memory dear to my heart, and count it amongst the proudest moments of my 25 years of life so far. That day, I vowed to continue walking year after year, to raise money for HIV/AIDS research and non-profit organizations as longs as my legs will carry me on this Earth. It is my hope that this year you will once again reach into your hearts and wallets in an effort to change lives. Be it with mine... your own... or the Walk of someone you know, please give any amount you can to AIDS Walk New York 2010. A link to my fundraising page, where you can donate directly is given below. Thank you for your continued support.
All my best to you always....

-Linda James

http://aidswalknewyork2010.kintera.org/jamespombo

THE END.

........or is it?

Read 'Em and Weep

Ohmygod-ohmygod-ohmygod-ohmygod Reader,

DREAMS COME TRUE! Today, officially, I came face to face with one of my idols. It's been a long time coming, and it was a truly magical experience. Today, in a store on the Upper West Side.... I MET MARTHA STEWART!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AAAH! AH! AH! When I heard that Martha would be signing copies of her two newest books, The Encyclopedia of Crafts and Dinner at Home, I knew just where I would be on this day at that time... the new Manhattan Michaels.

I've never attended a book signing before, and after hearing Martha describe the record breaking number of people who attended her California Costco engagements, I began preparations to wait on line as early as possibly I could. After a filling lunch and my first shave in two weeks, I packed a small bag of survival supplies... water, hand sanitizer, snacks, and my Encyclopedia of Crafts... and I headed downtown to the Grand Opening of Michaels on Columbus Avenue between 99th and 100th.

I arrived at the basement, crafting emporium at approximately 3:3o for the 5PM event. Growing up on Rag Shop and Treasure Island, I realised that simply by entering, I had experienced a 'first.' My first time in a Michaels. So far so good. A table featuring MS products for sale, along with their finished counterparts, let me know that I was headed in the right direction. I did a quick survey of the store's layout, and was pleased to see that at that point, only a few people were gathered to meet the guru herself. I picked up a copy of Dinner at Home, headed to the register, and purchased my very first cookbook. Back to the line, I was seventh to arrive, and I began waiting out the hour and a half until Martha's arrival. Customers loaded baskets with SUPER SALE priced items, and the newly formed staff were both friendly and accommodating to those of us 'die hards' waiting for our queen.
I passed time by skimming through the recipes of my freshly acquired tome, and by arranging small, farm themed toys, which were piled into little bins on an aisle capping face out. T minus fifteen until Martha. "What is this line for?" clearly less serious crafters asked, as more and more people joined my ranks. "Martha Stewart? Is she still alive?" a snooty adolescent in a Catholic school uniform replied. I'm not gonna lie, I almost snatched the bitch by the bun and pounded her face in with DIY American Girl Doll merchandise. "Martha? Meh. I got one of her books... I never even looked at it," a Bubby on a Jazzy chimed in. I will destroy you, Gramma! I've got a line full of backup, here... Let's see if you can out-scoot hundreds of housewives and gay men at the same time! Frazzled by neer-do-wells, talking smack about my favorite domestic goddess, I composed myself and began mindlessly leaning against the display which I had so meticulously arranged earlier. "Don't mind me, I'm just doing some pre-work shopping," a voice with the timbre of angels and experience rang in my right ear. I know that voice! I turned to face a woman whose hair was the color of gold and heaven... I know those balayage highlights!!! She turned to face me, and I gasped audibly with wide eyes and both hands over my mouth... the international symbol for shock and awe. IT WAS MARTHA!!!!!!! SHE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!! Like.... RIGHT NEXT TO ME, RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! Stunned and feeling waves of both joy and disbelief (usually reserved for tweens to use on the likes of Hannah Montana,) Martha's right hand woman smiled wide at me, as I welled up with tears and my eyes turned glassy. "These turkeys are just perfect for Thanksgiving," Martha commented on the farm toys I neatly placed in perfect rows. I TOUCHED THOSE! I got a rare peek at Martha's fabulous footwear (brown leather, alligator embossed, triple strapped, Wellies,) and with that, Ms. Stewart approached her waiting table/book display, giving photo-ops to a gaggle of waiting photographers. Mommies with strollers got to go first, and my resentment for their 'special' express line was assuaged when one of them dropped her thick E of C book on her child's blonde head. "Ooopsy," she said with the vocal intonation of a corpse. I like your style, Miss. I had a million charming quips to fire at my Martha, but as I approached her and looked into her eyes, her beauty and power paralyzed me, leaving me able only to gush. "HI MARTHA!" "Hello, thank you SO MUCH for coming." "Thank YOU for all of you're informative programming and periodicals!" Martha giggle. "You and Sarah Carey have basically taught me how to cook over the past year! I'm so grateful, and I can't wait to use my Dinner at Home." "Sarah is just wonderful, isn't she?" Martha said of her contributing food editor, who is often featured on her daytime talk show. "YES! SHE IS! I cook from Body and Soul magazine all the time, and I've loved everything I've ever made!" "That is just great, thank you again." A Michaels employee snapped a picture with my cell phone camera during this tet-a-tet, and others congratulated me as though I had just won a marathon, beaming from within as I exited the designated autograph area. "You got two books signed! LOOK AT YOU," one particularly enthusiastic associate cheered, high five-ing my hand, it shaky from adrenaline. Perma-grin on my face, I headed out, elated. "I'll never forget that," I said to myself, of my sixty seconds with Martha. Two young ladies held up books outside of the store in an attempt to draw even more Martha fans to buy. I stretched my big moment into a few seconds more, snapping their picture before calling my Mom to inform her of the fun time that I just had. Martha Stewart's Dinner at Home is available everywhere now. The recipes are simple, accessible, and organized by season. Go get yours now, dammit! I can't wait to cook from mine.

**THIS IS ONLY A TEST**

Tut, tut... looks like rain, Reader,

This dreary night in New York City has infused me with a quiet stillness, just perfect for a crafty new repurposing technique... Actually, I was all riled up and raring to go just a short time ago; the stillness is a recently acquired trait. BIG PLANS! I had BIG PLANS! I was all set to go to a well know gentleman's club in this fair city, at which a friend has recently become a bartender. I've never been to a titty bar before, and well... I still haven't. Still a newbie at the famous strip club, as night swept over the Bronx, I received a text from my gal pal informing me that for one reason or another, my visit would have to be postponed. "That's okay," I replied, "Someday I'll 'make it rain'..."

With that, the actual downpour began, and millions of beads of water came crashing and breaking against my window. This made my spoiled plans far easier to swallow. "Screw it! I'll decoupage!" Recently, I purchased my first jar of Mod Podge, and I've been saving my cherry busting, first decoupage for just the right occasion. **You've never decoupaged before??? What kind of a crafter are you???** I know, Reader... It's been my secret shame for some time now, but I'm finally ready to come clean and publicly get down with the gluing and the sealing.Though I have long been a fan of collage as a medium, my clipped and arranged concepts have always been adhered via glue sticks, their facades left naked and vulnerable to the elements. I've never had a problem with the "distressed" look, so I've never before gone that extra mile to become one with 'The Podge.' I am a matte finish. I am a matte finish. I am a matte finish. A recently emptied oatmeal container became my canvas for this experiment, and I immediately sprayed it black, for a base.
Next, using scraps of colored craft paper (left over from other projects,) I traced a stencil onto them and cut out the resulting shapes with an exacto knife. When the paint on the oatmeal cylinder had fully dried, I applied Mod Podge (with a sponge brush) to the backs of the flowers and placed them randomly onto the tube. OH JOY! After roughly 20 minutes, the Mod Podge dried, and I was left with a firmly attached, delightful design on my canister. Time to seal the deal. OH RAPTURE!!! Over the entire area of my project, I brushed on a thin, even layer of Podge. Dry for 20 minutes. Another layer. 20 more. Yet another layer of the good stuff!!!! 20. I sprayed on Clear Acrylic Sealer to end the vanishing, as well as to eliminate the chances of a tackiness. The oatmeal container's once foggy, plastic lid got a spray down of sage green, and I lined the insides with fresh, white paper. SHAZZAM! I Mod Podged up somethin' real nice.I'm a bit anal retentive when it comes to my kitchen cabinets... I transfer everything from a box into beautiful, clear jars... Each item has it's specific place... and I remove the labels from all of my spice jars before they can be added to my collection. I'll even go so far as to print up new, prettier onces if a sticker leaves behind a mess during the pealing process. **Ummmm.... You're f-ing nuts.** Maybe so, Reader, maybe so... but my cabinets are extremely presentable. I'm not sure what I'm going to use the fruits of my first Podge for just yet, but I'm sure I'll find something. Until then, I'll simply admire it's folksy charm, I guess. Reduce, Re-use, Repurpose, Reader.

The North American Pumpkin Relief Project

Spoooooooooky..... Reader,

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!! Today I did something that I've been wanting to do for as long as I can remember! Today, heart filled with holiday cheer, I took part in celebrating the reason for the season. Halloween is fast approaching, Reader, and this year I decided to try my hand at one of autumn's most practiced, ages-old traditions. Today, for the first time in my life..... I CARVED A PUMPKIN!!!!! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

I can actually pinpoint the time in my life when my "enthusiasm" for Martha Stewart began. **cough**OBSESSION!**cough** Readeeeeeeeeerrrrr! Shhh! I recall very clearly (at about age 10) watching a Halloween themed episode of LIVING, one Sunday morning, and being floored by the work of a guest who created portraits on gourds rather than traditional jack-o-lantern faces. For years now, carved, seasonal, pumpkin art has been one of my favorite staples of Martha's empire; and though I always pay very close attention to how the process is done, I have never actually taken a crack at it myself. **cough**LAZY!**cough** Oh, COME ON! Growing up in my family, we painted pumpkins instead of carving them. If I remember correctly, when I was about 4, my sister and I looked on as my dad dug into a huge gourd and created a traditional jack-o-lantern for us. Shoveling out orange, seed covered goo with his bare hands for what felt like forever, I seem to recollect the phrases, "JESUS CHRIST!" and "NEVER AGAIN!" being used. I didn't mind. My parents' plan to make Halloween a little bit easier and a little less messy in the years to come went over big with me. Not only did I love painting faces on my designated pumpkins, which I could by myself as a knife wasn't involved, but they lasted far longer than their pierced counterparts. No depressing decomposition period.
Though fully satisfied with my family's take on pumpkin art as a child, as I got older, I knew in my heart that someday, I too would carve fancy, light up squash; just like the ones on TV. Today, I fulfilled my destiny. Inspired by the design of the big M's "Pumpkin Prints," and ready with a gourd (given to my by my sister,) I fished out a stencil and my wood cutting gouges to take on this project. The skull stencil I used has been doing right by me for nearly a year now, showing up on everything in my life from tea tins to greeting cards to pumps. With a Sharpie, I traced the design onto my pumpkin, then filled it in with the black ink. Next, with a washable marker, I drew two circles on the squash; one around the skull, one around the stem. With a small, serrated knife, I followed the line of the top circle, opening the pumpkin and creating a lid. I wiped off visible marker lines with a damp rag. Then, using a large spoon, I scooped out the 'guts,' making sure to scrape the inner walls completely clean. ALMOST DONE! The final step in the series is the most fun and most rewarding. With a gouge, peel away the orange skin around the skull design, and inside of the surrounding circle; revealing lighter, more translucent flesh. Insert votive candle, light, and enjoy!
I'm madly in love with my festive jack-o-lantern! The technique I used was a nice bridge between the painting of my childhood and the glowing carvings of my future. The total time for this project was around only one hour, making it totally doable for anyone of any skill level. Go get yourself a gouge, Reader, but remember.... only use it for good, not evil.... They come in mighty handy, and I think I've just rekindled a love affair with mine. BOO!

Grandma's Sexy New 'Do

Snip-Snip Reader,

Little off the top, hun? How 'bout some lowlights? Highlights? Frosted tips? OOOO! I know! A permanent! A fade? The FARRAH!!! No? The Rachel!!! Hm. Okay...... How about.... Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! Getting close? Ooh! Ooh! Lets stick a weave up in that situation and give you.... Anna Nicole "tribute hair!" ...may she rest in peace... NO?!?!? Wait, wait, wait.... let me get this straight.... you want... 'a trim???' WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? You leave! You leave my chair right NOW!!! I am an artist! These hands!!! These beautiful hands!!!!! These hands are guided by a higher power! You'll get the haircut that I decide, or you will move down to Karen's chair.... Karen's chair is empty. Karen's chair is always empty! Do you know why? Because Karen's not a genius whose sheers can turn a wrinkle puppy like you into graceful and beautiful swan! You know what? GET OUT OF MY SALON! GET OUT RIGHT NOW YOU VILE WOMAN OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!! Grandma Ruby is my next client, and I don't have time for a peon like YOU!

I'm sorry you had to witness that, Reader... some people, huh? A few days ago I received a call from one of my favorite people in the world... Miss Gretta Jane, aka Grandma Ruby. Gretta informed me that she was taking an extended vacation in NYC, and staying with our mutual friend, Queen Mae Butters. In need of a new coiffe, and fully trusting of my ability to wield a mean pair of scissors, Grandma Ruby invited me for dinner in exchange for the use of my creative services. "Ummm, YES!" I replied, and we set the date for my first time snipping her locks.

This evening, I arrived at Queen's apartment, "The Peach," just as both ladies were approaching with bags full of groceries. Hugs and kisses all around, we headed upstairs for a sure to be delightful evening. Before she could even pour me a glass of delicious mint water, Gretta and I began excitedly discussing her soon-to-be new look. "I'm thinking... shorter... with a heavy bang," Gretta told me, "Sort of a 'King Arthur." "O.M.G. I was thinking the exact same thing!" Frequencies synchronized, we caught up on each other's lives before Queen briefly stepped out, and I helped Gretta prepare dinner.

"Would you like a pre-prep Kambucha Whiskey-tini?" Grandma asked, as we laid a wide variety of gorgeous vegetables on the chopping block. "What do you think?" I said with a big smile. She told me tales of Olympia (her home) while crushing up mint leaves, pouring a mixture of Seagrams and Kambucha over top. Cheers. A perfect beverage for a lush whose fighting a cold. "Bean party in the pot, greens party in the wok," in a melodic tone, as Gretta began to mix groceries. I made fresh guacamole, and our banter turned to talk of her upcoming "Gretta Jane" album, somber and stunning songs for death. I love Gretta's retro, jazz infused vocals, and I gave her two thumbs up regarding the project.

Queen returned home just as cooking completed, and the three of us dined by candle light on a schmorgasborg of Grandma's healthy delights. After carrumpkins, freshly baked, and brought by me for dessert; the time had come to transform Gretta from folksy Olympian into NYC sass kitten. A before picture (featuring the swan spirit animal which takes up tattooed residence on Gretta Jane's arm) began the process, and soon, scissors appeared and hair started flying. "I love you're rhythm and technique," Grandma noted of my 'signature' clipping style. One I learned by watching Edward Tricomi feverishly snip strands on the E! channel's Fashion Emergency in highschool. After about an hour of trimming and cutting, I said to Gretta, "You're a bear," referring to the massing amount of short strands attached to her chest. Very pleased with the final product, Grandma Ruby slipped into some glamorous sleepwear for her 'after' shot, and this time two swans appeared before my lense. Grateful for my help, my beautiful friend tipped me in cash and chocolate. More hugs and kisses, I returned to the Bronx... belly full, freshly paid, and filled with the magick of a wonderful night.

**UPDATE**10/23/09**

I went back for more, consuming yet another amazing dinner, and this time properly armed with a flat iron. We decided to take off about an inch more from the body, and a half an inch from the bangs. Gretta even let me pluck her eyebrows!!! Grandma Ruby is officially.... a vision.

The Fabulous Bodega Boy

Reader, reader, reader, reader, READER!!!!

WOOHOO! I'M BACK IN THE BRONX! I took an evening train to return to my beloved city, arriving mysteriously under the cover of night; and let me tell you... it was the best train trip I've ever taken. You see, dear Reader, I've finally smartened up and started traveling with DVDs. **Duh.** Though I'm rarely without my netbook computer, it's disc drive is detachable, and hence it usually gets left at home. Not this time. This time, I was fully armed with 21st century entertainment, and a 30 Rock mini-marathon turned my New Jersey Transit seat into a private screening room for the duration of my 81 minute journey. "Things are finally looking up for old Liz Lemon." In my opinion, Liz is the Mary Richards of this generation, and without fail, my world is always turned on by her sideways smirk of insanity and frustration.

My wonderful visit with the folks, along with my laugh-riot of a train ride caused me to forget the horrors which awaited me in apartment 4B. As I opened the door and declared to my living space, "Honey, I'm home!" I literally stumbled over piles of laundry, causing me to remember that I never really unpacked from my recent trip to Tucson, choosing instead to dump my drag bag and simply let it fester. "Did Ginger Spice crawl in here and die?" I said in a voice reminiscent of Gilbert Gottfried, looking around at the sequins and leggings, practically hanging from the ceiling. When will I learn? So, with work to do and my favorite (soon-to-be-canceled-I'm-sure) show, Eastwick, about to begin... I got to business, cleaning and reminded myself, "It's just not N-E-D unless I hit up the bodega...."

So off to the corner store I went in search of something I have not yet sampled (which is getting more and more difficult these days.) Over the past sixty some-odd posts, I have played out this scene several times, and each one has lead me to the conclusion that my bodega's more "exotic" snacks are all... well... gross. Especially the beverages. Steering clear of the refrigerated drink section, I combed the aisles for the subject of today's entry. Nearly giving up after being turned off by things like Key Lime pork rinds and Champagne Cola, I headed for the door with little hope left. As I passed the register, I happened to look up, and a pack of small red ovals caught my eye. "Star Bites: Candied Peanuts." At 75 cents, this option was a bargain I couldn't pass up. I made my purchase and headed home.

As I entered my building, I checked the mail for the first time in days. Things are finally looking up for old Linda James. To my delight, the new issue of W magazine, featuring a genius spread of my legendary name sake, Linda Evangelista, was waiting inside. I often swap mags with a lady in my building, and this one made me scream, "YES!" the moment I saw it. Back in my apartment for the moment of truth, I tore open the nuts (while yet again putting off cleaning,) and perused my new periodical as I sampled Star Bites for the very first time. Meh. The peanuts were good, but the candy coating was a bit too sacrine for my personal taste. In my opinion, it cocks up the flavor of one of nature's greatest protein treats. I ate a handful and threw the rest away. Here we go again... When will I learn, Reader? When will I learn?